Referred to as 'mirroring,' client characteristics can often reflect the mediator's own personality and traits, resulting in potential 'blind spots,' assumptions, and misunderstandings. This underscores the need for mediators to be cautious and attentive, ensuring that the standards they apply to assess their clients are consistent with the measures used to evaluate their own capabilities.

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This lesson examines five fundamental inner paradigms that commonly manifest as behaviours in individuals under stress and high anxiety, providing analogous definitions of psychoanalytic behavioural characteristics.

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The Wounded Child

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The wounded child carries pain and trauma from past experiences stemming from perceptions of rejection, neglect, abuse, or other adverse negative childhood experiences. The wounded child experiences fear, sadness, anger, and feelings of unworthiness in adulthood.

 

Exhibited Behaviour:

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The wounded child uses negative, demeaning language consistent with underlying insecurities and inferiorities, exhibits defeat and surrender, often breaking down in tears; frequently repetitious, this pattern of behaviour suggests a pervasive sense of hopelessness and helplessness, typical in individuals who experience chronic stress and anxiety, or who have encountered repeated failures or rejection throughout their lives.

 

Negotiator Awareness

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The negotiator must avoid expressing sympathy (as opposed to empathy) as this reinforces (even feeds) the inner child. Instead, they must maintain positive affirmation, be patient when listening, highlight strengths, and validate their positive efforts.  They must avoid comparisons with others, never question their qualifications or challenge their understanding, and be patient when explaining options and alternatives, encouraging them to engage and take ownership of the solutions explored.

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If feeling rejected, this child can demonstrate irrational behaviours, including intense ‘rants,’ long periods of sullen silence, refusal to co-operate, arriving late at appointments, unpreparedness or engaging in delay tactics, all part of the ‘defeated’ child psyche, ‘if I don’t get what I want, you will not get what you want.’

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Such reactions are often prompted by sudden changes in the status of the power balance or failed expectations being perceived as threats, which can trigger a fight-or-flight response. In this context, the child's aggressive outbursts can be a maladaptive coping strategy aimed at self-protection. Many 'wounded' tend to utilise physical intimacy as an inner demand for affirmation, a trap for the development of inappropriate mediator bias.

 

Particularly evident in mismatched power balance relationship failures, the juxtaposition of withdrawal and emotional surrender is often associated with spiteful critical language, narcissistic behaviours and aggressive outbursts, all painting a complex picture of a troubled childhood.

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It underscores the need for the mediator to assess and identify potential environmental, social, and psychological factors that may contribute to these behaviours. This assessment should aim to devise targeted interventions that address both the internal and external sources of the 'child's' distress and recommend appropriate therapies and support.

 

The Playful Child

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The playful child appears secure and purpose motivated. They tend to express themselves with ideological romantic goals and are outgoing, creative, and spontaneous, displaying a natural curiosity often on the fringes of social conformity. They have a high cognitive ability to grasp concepts, think innovatively and tends to focus on the value of relationships more than the value of the acquisition of assets.

 

Exhibited Behaviour

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The 'playful child' is the child you never really get to know.  The playful child struggles to express their 'inner' feelings of loss, betrayal and pain. Hence, their sense of playfulness acts as a coping mechanism, allowing them to distance themselves from these uncomfortable feelings. Laughter, giggling, and maintaining the persona of the "little boy" or "little girl" are defensive strategies to mask their vulnerabilities and avoid confronting their past negative experiences and feelings.

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Often perceived as highly motivated, playful children have the potential to excel in various fields. They can become excellent sports people, athletes, and are commonly employed in social and community sectors. However, they may struggle with focus and attention to detail, start projects that never get finished, and explore relationships with naivety.

 

Negotiator Awareness

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The playful child often uses various expressions of intimacy, referred to as the ‘touchy feeling type,’ they develop connectivity with others as they attempt to explore other people’s feelings as part of their own ‘normality testing.’

 

The playful child does not manage complex or excessive information processes as this demands heightened attentiveness, akin to acts of maturity, something the playful child is trying to avoid. The negotiator must present information in disciplined timeline order, explain probabilities, and offer clear future pathways as they become apparent.

Because the 'playful child' views life as a game, it becomes a game they also want to win. The negotiator must separate the resolution process from their life game or risk an 'aggrieved child' who will manipulate players, attempt to umpire the game on their terms and change the rules of engagement, all in a bid to gain an advantage in their game.

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As a professional, I make the game they want to play a game that does not involve definitive resolution choices. For example, in a relationship breakdown where property distribution is the focus of mediation, I could make the game about the children's relationship with their 'other grandparents' and where they will stay on holidays or around matters already concluded.

 

The Rebellious Child

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The rebellious child experiences feelings of constraint (e.g., being told to 'go to your room while others play') or stifled ambition during childhood. It can manifest in adulthood as defiance, reluctance to conform, difficulty with authority figures, disobedience to rules and law, and conformity to social norms.

 

Exhibited Behaviour

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If it is going their way, it is all good, but if they feel like they are being disadvantaged, all hell can break loose. Often aggressive, inflexible, and even resorting to bullying and manipulation, the rebellious child has little regard for process, the feelings and distress they cause and the impact of their decisions on others.

 

Negotiator Awareness

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Never tell a rebellious child what to do. Instead, ask for their input and what they think. This approach not only develops a sense of ownership of the process but also avoids 'weighted outcomes in their favour.  Prone to heightened anxiety and states of perceived threat, the negotiator should avoid using terms that give a rebellious child an opportunity to say how they feel; once started, trigger-based responses can quickly escalate to robust and emotionally biased dialogue.  I utilize an 'if and then'’ negotiation style with the rebellious child, a conditional approach where proposals and concessions are framed with contingencies, each offer or concession based on the other party agreeing to a specific term. This strategy equips you with the necessary tools to negotiate effectively.

 

The Fearful Child

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This fearful child has fears, anxieties, and insecurities stemming from unsafe or insecure childhood fears and experiences. Often emanating from unstable home environments, witnessing domestic violence, experiencing physical punishment and living with threats of deprivation (condition supply), intimidation (bullying), and selfish behaviours, the fearful child is denied creative exploration of ideas and behaviours, emotional awareness and relational sensitivities.

 

Exhibited Behaviour

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The fearful child often finds it difficult to face new challenges, which can be a source of frustration for them and those around them. They may engage in delay and avoidance behaviours, seek guidance, and defer responsibilities to others. This behaviour clearly indicates their need for support and understanding.

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The fearful child lives in a constant state of anxiety that creates symptoms of 'fidgeting, restlessness(often involuntarily stretch or yawning in sessions), leg twitching, nail-biting and expressing states of hyper-vigilance typified by impulsive reiteration questions (e.g., 'what did you say,' or 'say that again').

 

Negotiator Awareness

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Often hardworking, loyal, and relationally dependent, the fearful child is at the most risk of a disadvantageous outcome in mediation and negotiated settlements. The simple reason is they don't stand up for themselves.

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A professional negotiator should engage in pre-mediation preparedness meetings with the fearful child. Before any mediation meeting, the mediator should write down the questions the fearful child may want to ask. The mediator may have to skilfully coach that child into meaningful and constructive dialogue with other parties as they often experience a 'mental block,' limiting their ability to participate in fair and balanced negotiations.

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Too often, as I have walked out of a meeting, the fearful child has said, "Why didn't I ask that question?" or "I wish I had thought of that before."  

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It is not that they didn’t think of the question, the child within was so fearful to express it, they had a ‘mind-block.’   Silence or the absence of valid contribution does not infer guilt, blame or justify concessional advantage.  It is our collective responsibility, particularly the negotiator's, to ensure there is opportunity for fair communication balance, particularly with the fearful child .

 

The Nurtured Child

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Like the other four ‘inner children,’ the nurtured child has beneficial and detrimental characteristics to their wellbeing. The nurtured child develops with high levels of emotional support, physical care, cognitive stimulation and social interaction, forming secure, trusted attachments with their parents or caregivers. They feel safe and confident within stable, controlled environments, are less prone to anxiety and depression and appear emotionally stable.

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Exhibited Behaviour

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Often referred to as the ‘entitled child,’ the nurtured child develops in an environment that shields them from adversity and prevents the development of coping mechanisms. They are not exposed to stress and criticism and, because of their highly protective upbringing, do not have opportunities to build resilience and problem-solving skills. They tend to become excessively reliant on the advice of others, building relationships with people empathetic to their desires, which reinforces their subliminal psychological view of how their world should appear to them.

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Their interdependence on others makes it difficult for the 'nurtured child' to confront and self-rely on their own decisions. Their reluctance to accept changes or consider alternative options as a pathway to resolution underscores their resistance to growth and adaptability.They demand high levels of attention and special treatment, are often opinionated, lack the ability to consider others, find it difficult to admit fault, guilt, or vulnerability, and demand high stability and routine.

 

Like a playful child, they are sometimes called 'social butterflies,' are often insensitive in their conversations and lack social and cultural awareness, viewing the world from their entitled position.

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Negotiator Awareness

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The mediator/negotiator must know that over-nurturing inadvertently leads to excessive value demands from high expectations and perfectionist tendencies. Children often set unrealistically high standards for themselves, leading to low self-efficacy, reduced problem-solving skills, over-sensitivity, perfectionism, and impaired social skills underpinned by a fear of failure.

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As a mediator and negotiator, you must always carefully inform the ‘nurtured child’ that resolution outcomes may not be on the terms and conditions they expect and that adverse findings and loss of perceived value and social status are part of the mediation process and often beyond their control.

 

Conclusion

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In the context of mediation and negotiation, an understanding of fundamental human behaviours is essential for fostering a harmonious and integrated validation of all aspects of the resolution process. This comprehension allows both the individuals engaged in conflict resolution and the mediators themselves to effectively address unresolved issues, cultivate strengths, and ultimately live more balanced and fulfilling lives post-resolution.

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Recognizing behavioural differences aids in navigating conflicts more effectively, promoting open and honest communication among parties. Various psychological, cognitive, and social factors may lead some individuals to adopt a perspective that their actions are invariably justified. While such conviction can enhance confidence and assertiveness in leadership roles, it is equally important for individuals to embody humility and openness, acknowledging the potential for error and actively learning from their experiences.

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Striking a balance between confidence, self-awareness and critical thinking, can significantly enhance personal growth and improve decision-making processes. This integrated approach not only contributes to more successful mediation outcomes but also supports the development of healthier interpersonal dynamics within the involved parties.

 

 

References

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References

• Baumeister, R. F., & Leary, M. R. (1995). The need to belong. Desire for interpersonal attachments as a fundamental human motivation. Psychological Bulletin, 117(3), 497.

• Bronfenbrenner, U. (1979). The Ecology of Human Development: Experiments by Nature and Design. Harvard University Press.

• Campbell, W. K., & Campbell, S. M. (2009). On the self-regulatory dynamics created by chronic self-esteem differences: A self-regulatory processing model and supportive findings. Journal of Personality, 77(3), 599-646.

• Festinger, L. (1957). A Theory of Cognitive Dissonance. Stanford University Press.

• Goleman, D. (1995). Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ. Bantam Books.

• Hofstede, G. (1980). Culture's Consequences: International Differences in Work-Related Values. Sage.

• Nickerson, R. S. (1998). Confirmation bias: A ubiquitous phenomenon in many guises. Review of General Psychology, 2(2), 175-220.

• If And Then, Conditional Bargaining.  CRMC310   Lesson Note In This Series

 

 

Definitions

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def: psychosynthesis:  therapeutic integration of logical thought and a richer, multidimensional system of analogical, comparative thought.

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The Book Of Wisdom, also known as The Book Of Proverbs, are recorded judgements by King Solomon (10th Century BC). He is recorded as the wealthiest and wisest person to have lived.

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Refer to Lesson Note: Openness To Learning, Creative Problem Solving. CRMC309

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def: Normality Testing:  Technically referred to as, Gaussian Distribution, Self-Testing Normality is a psychological response used by individuals experiencing inferiority and insecurity to assess and modify their behaviours to conform to societal characteristics of ‘normality.’ and is most obvious in the social phenomena’s  ‘Leeming Effect’ and ‘Social Herding.’ 

 

def: Weighted Outcome:  Adjusted considerations taking into account the weight of information or influence in favour of a prejudice towards a desired outcome.

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def; Conditional supply:  Reward, obedience and task return supply, including affection, security, stability, protection from harm and nourishment. A failure to provide forms identifiable syndromes including Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) and Disinhibited Social Engagement Disorder (DSED), anxiety and depressive disorders.

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Additional Information

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For practitioners’ wanting to explore the complex psychological impact of disproportionate fear on the developing child and its influence over the adult, I recommend reading about the following:

 

Attention and Learning Disorders: (ADHD): Inadequate cognitive stimulation and unstable environments can exacerbate symptoms of inattention, hyperactivity, and impulsivity. 

 

Specific Learning Disorders: (SLD): A lack of educational resources and support may lead to difficulties in reading, writing, and mathematics, resulting in specific learning disabilities and the inability to comprehend more complex obligations, ie: cannot read printed documents.

 

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD): Children exposed to traumatic events, such as abuse, neglect, or violence, can develop PTSD, characterized by symptoms such as intrusive memories, avoidance behaviours, and emotional numbing.

 

Conduct Disorders: (ODD) Oppositional Defiant Disorder: This disorder involves a pattern of defiant, disobedient, and hostile behaviour toward authority figures, often linked to inconsistent discipline and emotional regulation.

 

Developmental Trauma Disorder (DTD)  DTD accounts for complex reactions to chronic interpersonal trauma, including emotional dysregulation, impaired relationships, and self-perception issues.

 

 

Google search the above disorders for more information.